Part 2: Single In Real Life: THE DATE

I decided to dig deep into the archives of my personal journal for this entry.

I’d like to recount the last date I had which was earlier this summer. Yeah, the last time I went on a date was in June. Go ahead, make fun of me. But I honestly don’t date that often and when I do it takes alot of courage because believe it or not I’m shy around men and I’ve become increasingly frustrated with how dating is even supposed to work. I try to be myself but its obviously not working!!!!

We will call this guy Corey, and no that’s not his real name. I actually have no problem using his real name but I’m trying to be classy here. We met online and this date also marks the last time I ever decided to do online dating. It’s important to note that he had asked me out in some last minute date effort several times before I told him I don’t do last minute and that he must properly plan a date before I would accept.

Enjoy.

June 1, 2013

Tonight was a gentle reminder that I will most likely be alone forever living in a house with cats if I continue to have the dating experiences I’ve had the last few years. Maybe its because I’m old and crotchety. Maybe its because I’m picky. But…my red flag meter went up with this dude. I’m literally feeling like there is no hope at all for me in the dating world and I need to start freezing my eggs yesterday because only crazy dudes are into me and I should just give up.

I tried to look cute and pull myself together. I did my hair, put on make up etc. I took pictures and sent them to my friends who approved, so I was ready to go.  I’m glad we were only going to TGIFriday’s because it was right around the corner from me and it felt noncommital. And I could leave my house in 2 minutes and be there immediately.

I get there and Corey is already waiting for me. He told me he believes in being punctual which is nice. I totally appreciate it because I hate waiting for people because its awkward. So he walked in and he was kinda cute. He has tattoos all over his arms and chest which is hot. So I was staring like:crush
We sit down and we both talk about how hungry we are. And I was digging it because I like food and I enjoy talking about food. We order drinks and get food. I helped him order a beer because he couldn’t figure out what he wanted. The waiter was super cute by the way (totally unimportant to this story, just a fun fact). Corey starts talking immediately about how he went hiking this morning which was a cool story for about 5 minutes. But it went on for like 20. Sorry, but I hate listening to people talk about working out. Its not interesting to me. I don’t care. Especially when I don’t care about my own workout routine, why would I want to listen to yours? In detail? He then proceeded to tell me he did 400 crunches before our date. And I was “Cool story, bro!” But not really because who cares?  Maybe its because I’m fat and I just give zero fucks about it but I have no interest in hearing that shit. Especially on a first date. And I was eating mozzarella sticks like my life depended on it.

Corey starts launching into what I thought was going to be a funny (short) story about a girl he was dating before me (awkward) but then it turned into 30 minutes of him asking me my opinion on this bitch he dated and if he handled it correctly.

….what?

So I was like..
are you seriousI mean, this story was complete with him telling me this girl was stalking him and how she showed up at his house and was in love with him after 1 month of dating. I’m sorry but that is just a really inappropriate start to a first date. How can a 33 year old man NOT know that? So I was turned off. Since I have a hard time turning off my facial expressions he could tell I was like annoyed so he straight up told me that he likes talking about his exes so girls can know what he’s been through.

Sorry, bro. We all have war stories. Don’t need to hear about it on the first date.

Then he throws in the kicker that he has not been married just once but TWICE. And not only has 2 kids (that are biologically his) but is also basically co-parenting his second ex wife’s TWO KIDS FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE. AND THEY ARE TEENAGERS.

So I was like…

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Because…no. I was leery about the 2 kids and divorce I knew about. But then for him to mention 2 other kids and another ex wife. That just seems like a lot for me at the age of 27. I mean, can we say complicated! OH! And he and his ex live in the same apartment complex. So…yeah.

So for the rest of the date I was eating and had this expression on my face as he continued to tell me more about his dramatic ass life:

are you serious 1
Corey didn’t ask me any questions about myself which annoyed me because I’m not sure what he walked away knowing me. I learned his whole damn life story but he didn’t ask me a thing about me. I could have just walked out of prison and he would have never known it because he didn’t ask me anything. Anytime I tried to direct the conversation to more neutral topics he would bring it back to himself. Which is annoying. I think part of it was nervous chatter because he was clearly nervous but I’m wondering if part of it was douchebaggery. Who knows?

I drank 2 long island ice teas which is a light night of drinking for me and he made a comment about my booze costing more than my meal which was annoying because BITCH DON’T KILL MY VIBE. Any person that makes a comment about my drinking immediately gets the side eye because I am a social drinker and I think its rude to comment on people drinking. Is it just me? Because I think its rude. Just like when you comment on someone’s eating a lot.

The check comes and I politely do what I do all the time and put my card up to pay, which is when the guy should then say some shit like “Oh I got this” or something. Especially after this guy just finished telling me how much money he made and how awesome his job is. But no. He took one look at the check and said, “Oh they charged me 4 dollars  more for my steak. I’m sending the check back and then we can split it.”

At that point I was pretty much done.

I’m sorry but we are grown. This dude is  33  years old. You take a woman out on a date to TGIFriday’s and you need to pay for her $25.00 meal. I found that incredibly insulting actually. I guess that’s why he was making comments about my ordering drinks because he didn’t want to have to pay for them. Which makes him the second guy I’ve gone out with in the last year who seemed to have a qualm about the amount of drinks I was having.

When the check got fixed he asked me how much I was tipping which I found to be TACKY. He also made a comment tonight about how my boobs were hanging out of my shirt. I actually had tasteful boobage tonight.   It’s not like my nipples were sticking out. So my breasts and I were annoyed about that, we were offended.

He walked me to my car and said he wanted to go out again and gave me a hug.

Not gonna lie, I’m disappointed.  So my overall impression of this date was…

paris_says_no_gifI felt like my entire night would have been better spent with a bottle of wine, Game of Thrones and a eating a pizza by myself or something.

Nobody tells you how ridiculous dating is when you do it for real. It’s not like the movies!!!!

Part 1: Single Life In Real Life. [The Online Dating Edition]

I was talking with a co-worker who hasn’t been single in about 10 years. She had some preconceived notion that single life was one huge party full of sexy people hooking up at bars and adventures like you see in the movies and on TV.

And to that I say,

Listen. It’s hard out in these streets. Being single in your late 20′s is totally different than being single as a teenager or college student. And if those are your frame of references for single life then I’m here to shatter your notions of what it means to be uncoupled in the year of our Lord 2014.

Like, if you haven’t had to go on a series of shitastic dates and been sent a dick pic and then been asked to send a picture of your boobs then I need you to step gingerly into my world so I can tell you what its like.

Yes, being single has its benefits. I’m typing this entry in my underwear surrounded by a pile of unfolded clothing. Why? Because I can. And I would hope that when I find my future boo he will be folding that laundry in his underwear because we are a couple and we are in sync. And I’m sure being married has its awful moments and it sucks sometimes. But I really have no clue what married life is like. I just know what I know based on Facebook and watching TV. So clearly I’m not an expert.

But I am an expert in this single life, y’all!

I figured I’d do a few entries on what dating is like in the new age of online dating and what not. Because you people need to know the truth!

So this is me trying to do this online dating thing.

The first step is accepting that your dating life has come to this. Yes, online dating is the new thing and everyone is doing it. But I’m not gonna lie I had a sad puppy moment because it made me kind of depressed that I lacked the access to meeting men in real life. I work, I exercise, I go to brunch, I Netflix, I take pictures of my cats. Obviously I have a busy and fulfilling life right there. Hardly anytime for meeting gorgeous, single men, right?

Also, my social group consists of gay men and married or engaged women. I come in contact with eligible (emphasis on the word eligible) single men….well NEVER. Every man I meet is either gay or married to someone else. So that means online dating it is!

 

So that’s me getting ready to write my profile. I chose to go with Okcupid because its free. *shrugs*

Writing the damn profile is 80% of the battle.  They usually ask a lot of questions about things you like or what you are looking for in a relationship. I always get super anxious with this part because you have to sound witty but not pretentious and funny but not corny. You have to show off the amazing parts about yourself in like 1000 characters or something.

But don’t say too much! Then you look like you are bragging. But don’t say too little then you are boring and uninteresting. So yeah, this part takes awhile if you are serious. If you aren’t serious then it takes no time at all. And apparently alot of people online are not serious because there are so many garbage profiles out there.

Oh! And then there’s the part where you pick your profile picture. Actually they want you to have like 3-5 pictures. So obviously this part takes awhile.

I change my hair alot so then I get paranoid about the fact that all my best selfies feature me with 10 different hairstyles. Does that look weird? Do I look conceited and self-centered? Wait…am I conceited or self-centered?

The answer to that is probably yes.

Ok so then comes the waiting for messages part. I’m actually a “Grab the bull by the balls!” kinda gal so I like to send messages to guys myself first. Why? Because I’m a modern girl who waits for no one!  Also, I’m impatient. And I’m a creep and stupidly optimistic in hoping that me messaging the cute guy in med school will result in us getting married in 1.5 years.

This hasn’t happened yet.

In the meantime, you receive messages from…people. Or at least I think they are people. Please see some actual messages that I have received in the last week.

I said to myself this online thing is so delicate…within two lines of the conversation you can surmise whether someone is extremely cool and fun or makes you want to delete your account and run for to ocean.

We have four lines to decide if the ocean is worth running for…I’ll start…Hi :-)

Okay. Alright. I’m going to give this young man (I can really call him a young man as he’s 4 years younger than me) the benefit of the doubt. So I hop over to his profile to read about him. I know all I need to know by reading the first few sentences:

After a brief stint of running OTC drugs I decided to switch gears and pursue my true passion of timeshare espionage. It is a fascinating underground network of horrors even the most experienced of human beings can never imagine!

Listen. I know people think they are being witty and cute with stuff like this but it’s not witty or cute.  It’s confusing. I don’t know anything about you AT ALL. You had ONE job. And you failed.

Bye.

OK. How about this one?

Hey gorgeous,

I know we have a bit of an age difference, but I’ve always been the adventurous kind of man. I know the thought of dating a younger guy might sound crazy, but I have no doubt that you’ll be happy you tried. Hopefully we can chat a bit sometime soon.

He actually deleted his profile soon after he sent this message. Actually I didn’t really check my messages for like a month so I guess I missed out? Anyway, just proof that I’m still pulling that younger ass because he was 23.

 

hey mrs when you get a chance i wouldnt mind a lite conversation.. that is if you have room in your phonebook for my number

Cute but no.

Last one. And I’m bolding the part that concerned me a bit.

Hello
great profile I read it. You seem more interesting in person. Your profile stood out of the crowds.

I must admit no jokes to me you’re one of the most beautiful I have come across so far. I was browsing and you really by eye with your beauty oh plus your prettier smile. Caught my attention.

Well may the LORD help you open your private practice office.

All to say im interested in you despite the age difference I like older beause they’re drama free mature and know what they’re looking for.
For I know you’re that type of woman thats why I show interest in you.

Hope to hear back from you
plz dnt let me down even if you’re not interested a simple reply would be fine.

Thanks for your time I appreciated

maybe I can shoe you around without GPS

First of all another young guy. What’s up with that?! I was immediately alarmed when he said I seem better in person because… I don’t know you. Wait, do I? Like I get what he was trying to say but WORDS MEAN THINGS, y’all.

I got a little creeped when he said not to let him down. I know its a struggle out there brotha but stay strong. And because I’m an asshole and check my messages like once every hangover I totally missed this message and did not message him back. Is he ok? Should I be concerned?  What exactly is he trying to do without GPS? I’m confused.

So yeah. Welcome to my world. It’s not pretty but we have plenty of booze.

Tomorrow I will detail what an actual date is like after you’ve jumped through the gauntlet of online profile writing and reading.

xoxo

 

 

Sunday Slow Day.

It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon here in DC. And yes, the Fall weather is here! HURRAH! Since I’m currently laid up with my foot in a boot (long story) I’m going to be catching up on Fall shows and Facebook stalking I’ve neglected in the last few days. Also, I’m writing and writing new content for you guys including a much needed Shit I Found on Craigslist post! I can’t wait!

Take a moment to re-read some of my favorite past entries! Comments are love, y’all!

xoxo

A Brunch Date Disaster

Queen Oprah says “I Never Wanted to Raise Children”

5 Years of Being Black, Ugly and Too Nice to Make it In the Government.

28 Things About Me!

Also, check me out on Instagram and Twitter and become a fan on Facebook!

Advice To My Younger Self.

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Look at mini me in my Catholic school girl uniform!

 

I’m a teeny bit behind on my 30 Day Blogtober Challenge. Since I’m laid up in a boot due to an ankle injury now is  a great time to catch up.

The prompt for Day 4 is to give advice to my younger self. I actually had a hard time thinking about this. If I knew at 6 years old what I knew now, what would I change? Would I change anything? I don’t know. After thinking long and hard about it I came up with a list of things I’d tell my younger self knowing what I know now.

  1. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself! I am my harshest critic and sometimes the inner monologue in my head can be so harsh. Throughout the years I have put alot of ridiculous pressure on myself to be perfect. And honestly its caused alot of stress and unnecessary anxiety. If I could do it all over again I’d be much nicer to myself.  I wish I would have spent more time being compassionate with myself instead of trying to push myself to stupid standards of perfection. I wasted alot of time forcing perfection on myself instead of accepting and embracing my strengths.
  2. Speak up! Believe it or not, I’m actually kind of shy by nature. It’s taken me a long time to learn to advocate for myself. In the past I would be sit silently and let people walk all over me and take advantage of me. I’d work myself into a frenzy of anxiety in an effort to avoid confrontation. Life has taught me that you have to advocate for yourself. You have to stand your ground and not let people push you around. There are many moments in my past where I wish I would have spoke up instead of remaining silent. I’m trying to remedy this by learning to express myself and voice my opinions rather than remaining quiet.
  3. Tell him how you really feel. This is vaguely self explanatory. (AKA its about a guy)
  4. It’s okay to say no. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times I’ve done something that I didn’t really want to do because I was too scared to say no. I’m such a people pleaser. I go out of my way to try and make people like me and sadly this has led to me being in situations that made me uncomfortable or straight up miserable. It’s totally okay to say no to things you don’t want to do. I have to repeat this mantra to myself whenever I feel pressured to obligate to things I don’t want to do.
  5. Take more risks! I have some shoulda, coulda, woulda moments in my life and honestly I wish I would have thrown caution to the wind in some scenarios and just took a leap of faith. I feel like I’ve missed out on some opportunities for growth in life because I was too afraid of the “what ifs”.
  6. Be proud of yourself. Sometimes I focus too much on my flaws that I forget to pat myself on the back for the blessings and triumphs I’ve made in my life. It’s totally okay to be proud of my progress!

Honestly this list could have been much longer but then I would have been treading into some serious personal territory!

So day 5 of the Blogtober Challenge has me recommending my favorite Fall recipe.

Whenever I think of Fall I think of warm, cozy, comfort food. I found this super easy and yummy recipe for Butternut Squash Soup!  Check it out! 

 

Fall Bucket List!!!

Did I tell you guys I’m participating in DC Ladies 30 Day Blogtober Challenge!? Each day there will be a new, fun prompt for me to share with everyone. Feel free to join in!!

Here are a few of the things I want to complete on my Fall Bucket List!

1. A Ghost Tour

I’m thinking maybe a nice spooky walking tour through Old Town Alexandria! They have so many haunted areas in Old Town.

2. Bake homemade Pumpkin Bread!

I actually did this one last night! And it was delicious. Recipe coming soon.

3. Fall TV Show premieres.

There are so many amazing new shows coming out as well as some returning favorites. I’ll share with you a few of my favorite new Fall shows!

4. Go see a live show.

Comedy show, music show anything live and up close and personal.

5. Dress up for Halloween.

I can’t even remember the last time I dressed up in costume. Someone invite me to a Halloween party!!

What’s on your Fall Bucket List?

Kickin’ With My Best Friend Oprah.

 

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OPRAHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sorry I haven’t written in awhile, I’ve been busy watching TV. No. Seriously I’ve been trying to watch as many Fall TV previews as I can review the shows for my readers. I’ve also been cooking and trying to get back in the swing of life now that summer is over. Also, my laptop broke because someone (me) stepped on the sensitive touch screen and now its in the Laptop Hospital having surgery.

The legit highlight of my life and summer was attending the Live The Life You Want event a few weekends ago at the Verizon Center in Washington DC.

First of all, I am obsessed with Oprah. I’ve been drinking the kool aid since birth and I think she is one of the greatest human beings to ever walk this Earth. If you don’t agree  you can stop reading….NOW.

No wait, stop reading after this gif.

I could write a long detailed post about every speaker or “trailblazer” as Oprah called them. I could also write a super detailed post about all the things I did while I was there but I don’t feel like doing that and I probably waited too long to write this post because I have forgotten alot of details. But here are  a few things that stand out to me.

First of all, I am convinced that I want to become Oprah Winfrey. It’s an idea that has playfully lingered in the back of mind for years now as a joke but I actually think I am determined to be her. And I don’t mean become a famous talk show host, although I’m sure that would great on my resume!

What I mean, is that I want to be that person to people. People, including myself, feel a deep connectedness with Oprah. There were several THOUSAND people in the Verizon Center that weekend to attend this event. People traveled across the world and paid ungodly amounts of money just to sit in itty bitty tiny seats 100 miles away from her.

Real story: There was an older woman there who traveled to the show by herself. She and her best friend had been planning all year that they were going to see Oprah and attend together. Well, her best friend died the week before unexpectedly meaning she had to attend the show alone.

DIED.

Her best friend DIED.

So of course everyone started crying because the crowd was mostly women who were there with their best friends including me. I attended with one of my best friends of 10 years who flew all the way up from Georgia to experience this with me. To protect her precious identity I’ll refer to my best friend as Shonda. Like Shonda Rimes.

Anyway, I realized I wanted to be Oprah while I was there studying her and her trailblazers. I want to be the kind of woman that touches people’s lives. Not in an egotistical way. But in a, “Hey, let me come into your life and make a positive impact”. One of the reasons I got my Master’s in Counseling is because I want to help people. I want to recognize and validate people who feel hopeless and lost. I want to bridge the gaps that society puts between people.

Like for example, the crowd to see Oprah was insanely diverse. There were even a few men there! Some were there with their wives. Some were there with their boyfriends. There were old women, young women. Women of all races, sizes, ethnicities, religions etc. We all shared a common bond. We wanted to Live the Life We Wanted as the tour advertised.

 

oprah

^Me living the life I want with Oprah and Shonda.

I attended this event at a really unique time in my life. I’m sort of at a standstill. I hate to say it but I am. I’ve spent the last few years in an uphill battle in every single area of my life. And now I’ve reached a resting point. This is the time in my life where I can either sit and continue resting or take a deep breathe and climb up the hill again.

I hate to say it but I feel stuck. I may not look stuck to the casual observer of my life but I feel utterly stuck and out of balance.

Hanging out with Oprah and my best friend Shonda and 10, 000 other strangers showed me that its ok to rest. It’s ok to take a breather. It’s ok for me to say, “You know what, I’m tired. I need to rejuvenate. I need to sleep. I need to hibernate.” That’s what I feel like I have to do now. I have to rest.

As much as it pains me to say it, I’m burnt out. Mentally, physically and emotionally. And honestly, who can blame me? I’ve led an uptempo lifestyle for 2+ years. Everybody needs a damn break. Even Oprah. She admitted that she sits with her thoughts often.

So I’m taking a page from Oprah and I’m going to sit with my thoughts.

casual oprah

The Cat Life.

IMG_0916Me and my Lilly.

Cats are the best animals that have ever lived.

I have two cats named Lilly and Luna and they are my best friends and confidantes. Despite the fact that they are unemployed, have bad credit, don’t speak English and lack the ability to open cans of cat food–they are the best things in my life right now.

I used to talk alot of shit about people who said that their pets were family members. I never understood how an animal could have that kind of bond with their human. Just ask my friends who knew me pre-cat motherhood. I made fun of all of them. But now I’m a crazy cat lady who loves her cats to death. I’m probably on the crazier end of the spectrum when it comes to cat worship-I wear clothing with cats on them. That pretty much says it all.

Nearly two years ago I went through a very traumatic experience. I’m not ready to write openly about it and only a few people know what happened but it was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me and something that I don’t think I have the courage to write about in a public forum. Maybe one day.

I laid in bed for three days and probably cried for 72 hours straight. I only got up to go to the bathroom. I didn’t shower. I didn’t eat. I didn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t go to work. I was frozen and in a state of shock. It was one of the darkest times of my life. I don’t think I have the words to explain what my mental state was during this time.

At the time I only had my cat Lilly. Miss Lilly is usually very demanding, especially when it comes to feeding time. She has no trouble letting you know when she is ready to eat! She’s also not the cuddly type of cat unless she really is feeling affectionate or sick. But while I was lying in bed crying and frozen from shock she laid right beside me. She kept her paw near my face. She wiped away my tears. The few times I got up, she followed me. She never took her eyes off of me. She was the tiny sliver of light and hope that allowed me to get up and try to pull myself together. As dramatic as sounds, she saved my life. She was present for me in the darkest and most traumatic event of my life and I don’t think I can ever thank her enough.

The thing I love about being a pet owner is that the love is unconditional. They love you no matter what you do. I try very hard to appear confident and strong but deep inside I’m a bundle of self-doubt and full of harsh criticisms. I’m my own worst critic. But my cats…they love me no matter what. They have so much empathy. When I feel alone and small and hopeless they make me feel valued and loved. They make me feel like I’m the greatest person on Earth.

IMG_0524Luna giving me kisses.

I’m a pretty emotional person. I cry ALOT. It’s ridiculous. Blanche from “The Golden Girls” once said she cried every Wednesday. I’m sort of like that. Sometimes I just come home and unleash massive waves of emotion in the form of tears. All the stress and anxiety and pressure that it takes to be me everyday just tumbles out when I close the door behind me. The cats have seen it all. And they love me no matter what.

My cats have seen me cursing violently and yelling at people through the phone. They’ve seen me weeping over broken hearts. They’ve seen me drunk and slurring and throwing up the remnants of a crazy night out on the town. They’ve also seen me in happy times as well. I feel happiest when I’m laying in bed with Luna snuggled right beside me reading a book.

So yes, I retract any statements I said before in my ignorant youth about how pets are not family members and they are just animals. They are more than animals. I realize that now. I’m a crazy cat lady living The Cat Life and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Meow. :)