I guess you guys like reading about my dating woes. It’s cool. Laugh at my misfortune! I’m hoping that all these experiences make people grateful if they have had an easy dating experience or feel some solidarity if they have had some cringe-worthy moments. I also hope you have a laugh or two.
I met a guy named Alex. On the internetz. Yes, totally scary. But its the modern age, right? Online dating is the new frontier. Everyone is doing it! I felt an immediate attraction to him because he was handsome in his photographs and sent very respectful messages. Anyone who doesn’t ask to see my tits right away is considered respectful these days.
So Alex (totally his real name. I don’t care enough to give him any anonymity) is a 30 year old, white guy from outside Baltimore. He said he spent alot of time in DC and was even thinking of moving here. According to his profile, he enjoys cooking and plays soccer in his free time. During one of our “getting to know you” emails he said he loves running and would even help me pick out running shoes so we could run together. Cute!
I’d never really run for exercise before (just when I was running for my life and such) so it was nice of him to want to run with me and my stubby little legs.
After about two weeks of emailing and texting back and forth we decided to meet up. I was excited and nervous. I’d never really met anyone from online before. I had no clue what to expect.
I’ll admit that around this time I was starting to feel immense pressure from my friends who were pairing off into serious relationships and even my parents. According to my meticulously kept journal I wrote this on May 27, 2011:
My mom who never discusses my dating life called to tell me that eHarmony was free this weekend. AWKWARD.
Maybe I should have signed up for eHarmony? I’d totally do it but I’m broke and still imagine meeting the love of my life at Popeyes or Comic-Con. I’m just a romantic like that.
We finally set up a date for a Sunday afternoon to grab a coffee at Starbucks. Coffee is neutral. It’s safe. It’s casual. It was a public place and in broad daylight. There would be limited opportunities for kidnapping.
Real talk, I had been drinking the night before and was pretty hungover. I did manage to put a tiny bit of effort into my looks by putting on a yellow sundress and covering my drunk face with some makeup.
I arrived at Starbucks early and ordered a hot chocolate so I would have something to hold in my hands while I waited nervously. And because I’m super self conscious I figured everyone was staring at me just waiting to see who I was waiting for!
A guy who looked like Alex walked through the door. Except…he didn’t look like Alex. Within 5 seconds of seeing him I realized the photos on his profile were old as hell.
I don’t think I’m superficial but…damn. He looked a bit scruffy like he had been outside changing the oil in his car on the front yard on a hot summer day. I mean, we were at Starbucks and not a classy place like Red Lobster (or Red Lobby Lob as I like to call it) but would it have killed him to throw on a shirt that wasn’t covered in whatever greasy substance it was covered in?
He greeted me with a handshake and then he bought me another coffee. He launches into a story about how he went to a bachelor party the night before. I like stories so I asked him how it was, he said he didn’t end up going out to the bars because he lost his driver’s license. I felt like we were kindred spirits at that moment since I lose my debit card, license, car keys etc a few times a year. I ask where he thought he lost it. He says:
Oh, I haven’t had a driver’s license since November 2010.
Our date happened in May 2011.
Do the math. 30 year old man. No driver’s license. Comes to first date looking like he crawled out of a dumpster. Jesus, what have I gotten myself into?!
Then he told me that last night he didn’t stay in the hotel with his friends from the bachelor party because he didn’t want to pay so he slept in his car.
HE SLEPT IN HIS CAR. THAT HE LEGALLY CANNOT DRIVE BECAUSE HE DIDN’T HAVE A LICENSE. HE IS 30 YEARS OLD. AND WEARING A GREASE COVERED SHIRT.
I tried turning the subject to something less…revealing and he started telling me how he didn’t want to work for a living he wanted to make music. And he planned to go back to school later and get a bogus degree just to have one. THEN, he mentioned that being unemployed was awesome for him because he got a check every 2 weeks.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to run away. I wanted to pray. I had no idea how to react. To recap, I am on my first online date with a 30 year old man who looks nothing like his pictures, he slept in his car the night before, he shouldn’t even be driving said car because he doesn’t have a driver’s license, he wants to “make music” and he delights in the fact that he is on unemployment.
The date was over when the meter ran out on Alex’s parking spot (I guess he could only afford to park for an hour) and he got up and ran back to Bmore. He asked what I was doing next weekend and I mentioned a wine festival and he said maybe he could join me. Then he backtracked and said that was rather presumptuous of him. AND HE WAS TOTALLY RIGHT. I said “We’ll see”. Which is my way of saying., “FUCK NO”.
Let’s fast forward a little bit. I’m back home and finally napping my way through a very intense hangover with my cat. I’ll present the following text message exchange without further comment:
Alex: Hey thanks for meeting up with me yesterday. You are a cutie. :)
[A total of 20 minutes elapses before I respond because I had just woken up and was on the phone with my mom]
Alex: Cool well I can take a hint no hard feelings. Good luck.
Me: Take a hint? What are you talking about?
Alex: Nevermind. I thought you had chose not to answer,
Me: I just woke up.
Alex: Late night?
Me: Yeah, lots of wine with my friends.
Alex: Any extravagant plans for today?
[No response from me. I was on the phone with LaShamiqua <—not her real name but I wish it was.]
Alex: That sounds truly fascinating. I was stuck in traffic for 3 hrs yet you can’t admit whether you enjoyed meeting me or thanking me for the coffee. I will direct my efforts where they will go noticed. Take care.
Me: Whoa. I put my phone down for a few moments and I get all these crazy texts from you? Bye. Good luck Alex.
Alex: It is what it is….I can tell when someone isn’t interested in me. And of course you wouldn’t pick up if I called.
Me: Bye Alex. Best of luck to you.
Alex: Fat cunt.
[Wow…I was a cutie just a few minutes before. My how things change! ]
Me: Well I’m a fat cunt with a drivers license.
[I’m really proud of myself for that comeback, by the way! Go me! ]
Alex: Is that what made you lose interest? I lost my license, you fool. Its not like I didn’t take the test. I’m better being single than throwing myself at someone who couldn’t care less.
Me: Good luck. Maybe your desperation will work with someone else.
Alex: How was I desperate? Because I made it clear I was interested? I don’t play floozy hard to get games. And you are not worth the energy. Grow up and learn to communicate.
Me: Ok I’ll work on that! Bye!!!!
[The rest of the texts are him telling me to piss off and alternating between calling me an ungrateful slut, a fat beaver and bitching about being in traffic coming to see me]
Listen…I had a hearty cackle over this one for days. I can’t even be offended. After I laughed it off and screenshot the text messages for some friends to read, I blocked his number.
I never saw or heard from him again. I wonder if Alex ever got his driver’s license? I wonder how that music career is doing? Is he still on unemployment?
Inquiring minds…they want to know.