Adrenaline straight to the soul.

Moment of silence please.

I’m turning 30 years old in less than 2 months.


And I’ll be 100% honest that I’m kind of freaking out about it all. I’ve been in this  weird funk the last few weeks where all I can think about is how ancient I am ( older people reading this blog: yes, I realize 30 is young but please let me be hysterical on my own blog. thanks). Not only am I ancient but I feel so…directionless.

My brain is torn between two vastly different mindsets right now. The rational part of me is telling me to invest in some stocks, buy a house, think about my 401K because RETIREMENT,  get married, have babies or alternatively don’t get married and just accumulate more cats.

Basically my rational self is telling me to grow up. Like I need to do more grown up things like fold my clothes and hang them up after I take them out of the dryer or meal prep! Because those seem like extremely adult things.


Then there is another part of me that just wants to quit my job, sell all my possessions and buy a one way ticket to Brazil, and work odd jobs while traveling  the world while accumulating a lover in every country–because in this scenario slut shaming doesn’t exist. I’d learn like 10 languages and write a book about my adventures and just explore the world. I’d also be super hot and have a very big afro because that just seems like the appropriate hair to have while living this lifestyle–easier to maintain and such. I would just be eat, pray, loving my way through the rest of the world forever.

So what does this all mean?

I think on one hand its obvious there is a part of me that wants to have a collection of cats or men. OR BOTH. So I’ll need to find away to address that. But I think more importantly I’m realizing that I’m almost 30 (IN TWO MONTHS!) and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

I just know that I don’t want to be whatever the hell I am now.

If anything I’ve mastered the adult world of working. I’m a Type A person so it was no secret I was headed to a life of workaholic-ness. But you know what sucks? Being in your 20’s and being too tired to even get off the couch after work because you are so exhausted from adulting all day long. Or realizing you’ve lost touch with people you really care about because of LIFE and shit.

When I 10 and role playing my future life using my Barbies I did not plan for a scenario where I’m standing in the kitchen in my underwear microwaving my dinner while drinking wine directly out of the bottle. I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS!

As I write this, I’m thinking…

I think…I’m bored.

Like I feel hella uninspired right now.  My life feels stale and I feel like there is no movement. Yes, things are happening. Life is happening. In terms of my “needs” being met they are. I have a (really nice) roof over my head, jobs (yes that’s jobs plural),  I have (too much) food to eat, I have family and friends. I have a life…kinda. Nothing juicy really happens but maybe that’s a good thing.

But…I’m bored. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling so weird being 2 months away from a milestone birthday…deep down I’m terrified this will be my life forever. :(

Also, social media be damned because I got into the mindset of thinking everyone else was having a way more thrilling life than me so I deactivated my Facebook account to maintain my sanity but then I had to get back on there because I needed to talk to someone and I realized I didn’t have their contact information! WHY GOD WHY?!

So anyway, in the next two months I need to find a way to inject a strong dose of adrenaline to my mind, body and spirit before I hit this milestone birthday. I essentially need a way to refresh my life that doesn’t involve buying a one way ticket to Jamaica, getting box braids and falling in love with a closeted gay man  and getting my groove back….before said closeted man and I have a bitter divorce where he tries to steal all my money.

(Check out the REAL story of how Stella Got Her Groove Back, y’all!)



Oh hey.

So…what it do?

First of all, take a moment to admire my marley twists in all their glory. ^^^

So apparently I  haven’t written in this blog since February. And that explains a lot because my life took a crazy turn in late Feb until now. I stopped writing publicly because things got extremely crazy both personally and professionally. And I am literally on pins and needles wishing I could spill this tea and tell the world what has been happening to me!!!

But right now, I can’t. At least not in a really obvious way. I’ve always been a writer who got inspiration from real life. Even when I wrote fiction it came from super embellished experiences I had. If you guys remember reading some of my dating stories on here they are all real but I changed names, places etc to protect people.  Honestly, I need to get back to writing about certain aspects of my life but figure out a way to keep things vague so I won’t get sued.

Speaking of getting sued…let’s just say my job situation has taken a turn for the—dramatic. And that’s all I’m going to say about that. Stay tuned.

Here’s what I can reveal.

In May, I took my very first solo vacation to Miami. I went with a travel group called Up In The Air Life. It was just a three day weekend get away but the trip was exactly what I needed. In a sense it was liberating. I’ve always been terrified to travel alone because I’m convinced I will be kidnapped and held for ransom and my parents won’t have enough money to rescue me so I’m lost forever. It’s extreme but its a fear.

I obviously didn’t get kidnapped! But I ended up having a great time just chilling on the beach and contemplating all my life decisions.

The other major thing that happened to me is that I finally started working as a counselor! Whoop! After 2.5 grueling years in Grad School and another 5 months waiting for approval to actually start working I finally started counseling real life people in April 2015! :)

Essentially I have my own mini business while under supervision at a private practice. It’s a serious commitment in terms of finances, time and energy. Not only that but people never realize all the paperwork that counselors have to do. It’s a lot of work including research–but its all worth it. I encourage everyone to chase your dream and find a way to incorporate your passion into a career.

I’ve also spent the last 6 months changing my hair whenever I felt like it. It is really liberating to decide that I want a blonde afro and then just do it. And then 6 weeks later decide I want I braids that go all the way down to my butt. And then after I get tired of that decide I want to rock my natural curls because its hot out and hair is heavy. *shrug*  I’m fully embracing the wonders of #blackgirlmagic.

Speaking of being black (which I am) the events of the last few years have been really unsettling to me. I’ve always known racism existed. I think every person of color is fully aware of racism because its ingrained in us to see the world that way since birth. Watching and reading the news has become exhausting. I’m upset because I’m watching my people be slaughtered by the very people who are supposed to be protecting us. I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m frustrated. I feel defeated. It’s gotten to the point where I avoid the news because its exhausting.

That being said, I’m proud to be apart of a generation of people who are standing up. Some people may say we are living in a world that is too politically correct. Well, I say I’m glad that people are standing up and challenging the status quo and calling out privilege.

For so long, our stories were told from the perspective of the majority. The “winners”. The privileged. So basically, history was told from a white, straight, male perspective. Case in point, why do American History courses taught in school have our history beginning when Christopher Columbus set sail? Or when pilgrims landed on the shores of the East Coast? This perspective completely ignores the fact that people had been living on this soil for MILLENIA before a white European “discovered” these lands.

I say all this to say that I have a little pet project I’ll be working on and I’ll share it with you guys here. I really want to find a way to combine my love of writing + my nerdy love of history. So stay tuned.

Ciao. <3

30 Before 30 Updates



Happy Sunday!

Remember when I said I was going to make a list of 30 things I wanted to do before I turn 30? Well, I’m 1 month into being 29 and I realized that my list was a bit…ambitious. So I revised the list a bit to make it more realistic. It’s crazy when you start making a list of things and then realize that time can go by really quickly. But so far I’m good for 4 out of 30 things. Not too shabby.

Check out my updates below!

30 BEFORE 30

Have you made a bucket list before you reach a milestone birthday? Let me know!

Be sure to follow me on social media. I’m kind of fun sometimes!




I’ve really appreciated all the love and emails I’ve been getting lately. Please keep giving me feedback, it makes me really want to dust off my writing skills and try to be consistent. Email me at to say hi, give me blog suggestions, or to give any feedback!




Fat Beavers With Driver’s Licenses.

I guess you guys like reading about my dating woes. It’s cool. Laugh at my misfortune!  I’m hoping that all these experiences make people grateful if they have had an easy dating experience or feel some solidarity if they have had some cringe-worthy moments. I also hope you have a laugh or two.


May 2011.

I met a guy named Alex. On the internetz. Yes, totally scary. But its the modern age, right? Online dating is the new frontier. Everyone is doing it!  I felt an immediate attraction to him because he was handsome in his photographs and sent very respectful messages. Anyone who doesn’t ask to see my tits right away is considered respectful these days.

So Alex (totally his real name. I don’t care enough to give him any anonymity) is a 30 year old, white guy from outside Baltimore. He said he spent alot of time in DC and was even thinking of moving here. According to his profile, he enjoys cooking and plays soccer in his free time. During one of our “getting to know you” emails he said he loves running and would even help me pick out running shoes so we could run together. Cute!

I’d never really run for exercise  before (just when I was running for my life and such) so it was nice of him to want to run with me and my stubby little legs.

After about two weeks of emailing and texting back and forth we decided to meet up. I was excited and nervous. I’d never really met anyone from online  before. I had no clue what to expect.

I’ll admit that around this time I was starting to feel immense pressure from my friends who were pairing off into serious relationships and even my parents. According to my meticulously kept journal I wrote this on May 27, 2011:

My mom who never discusses my dating life called to tell me that eHarmony was free this weekend. AWKWARD.

 Maybe I should have signed up for eHarmony? I’d totally do it but I’m broke and still imagine meeting the love of my life at Popeyes or Comic-Con. I’m just a romantic like that.

We finally set up a date for a Sunday afternoon to grab a coffee at Starbucks. Coffee is neutral. It’s safe. It’s casual.  It was a public place and in broad daylight.  There would be limited opportunities for kidnapping.

Real talk, I had been drinking the night before and was pretty hungover. I did manage to put a tiny bit of effort into my looks by putting on a yellow sundress and covering my drunk face with some makeup.

I arrived at Starbucks early and ordered a hot chocolate so I would have something to hold in my hands while I waited nervously. And because I’m super self conscious I figured everyone was staring at me just waiting to see who I was waiting for!

A guy who looked like Alex walked through the door. Except…he didn’t look like Alex. Within 5 seconds of seeing him I realized the photos on his profile were old as hell.

I don’t think I’m superficial but…damn. He looked a bit scruffy  like he had been outside changing the oil in his car on the front yard on a hot summer day. I mean, we were at Starbucks and not a classy place like Red Lobster (or Red Lobby Lob as I like to call it)  but would it have killed him to throw on a shirt that wasn’t covered in whatever greasy substance it was covered in?

He greeted me with a handshake and then he bought me another coffee. He launches into a story about how he went to a bachelor party the night before. I like stories so I asked him how it was, he said he didn’t end up going out to the bars because he lost his driver’s license.  I felt like we were kindred spirits at that moment since I lose my debit card, license, car keys etc a few times a year. I ask where he thought he lost it. He says:

Oh, I haven’t had a driver’s license since November 2010.

Our date happened in May 2011.

Do the math. 30 year old man. No driver’s license. Comes to first date looking like he crawled out of a dumpster. Jesus, what have I gotten myself into?!

Then he told me that last night he didn’t stay in the hotel with his friends from the bachelor party because he didn’t want to pay so he slept in his car.


I tried turning the subject to something less…revealing and he started telling me how he didn’t want to work for a living he wanted to make music. And  he planned to go back to school later and get a bogus degree just to have one. THEN, he mentioned that being unemployed was awesome for him because he got a check every 2 weeks.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to run away. I wanted to pray. I had no idea how to react. To recap, I am on my first online date with a 30 year old man who looks nothing like his pictures, he slept in his car the night before, he shouldn’t even be driving said car because he doesn’t have a driver’s license, he wants to “make music” and he delights in the fact that he is on unemployment.


The date was over when the meter  ran out on Alex’s parking spot (I guess he could only afford to park for an hour) and he got up and ran back to Bmore.  He asked what I was doing next weekend and I mentioned a wine festival and he said maybe he could join me. Then he backtracked and said that was rather presumptuous of him.  AND HE WAS TOTALLY RIGHT.  I said “We’ll see”. Which is my way of saying., “FUCK NO”.

Let’s fast forward a little bit. I’m back home and finally napping my way through a very intense hangover with my cat. I’ll present the following text message exchange without further comment:

Alex: Hey thanks for meeting up with me yesterday. You are a cutie. :)

[A total of 20 minutes elapses before I respond because I had just woken up and was on the phone with my mom]

Alex: Cool well I can take a hint no hard feelings. Good luck.

Me: Take a hint? What are you talking about?

Alex: Nevermind. I thought you had chose not to answer,

Me: I just woke up.

Alex: Late night?

Me: Yeah, lots of wine with my friends.

Alex: Any extravagant plans for today?

[No response from me. I was on the phone with LaShamiqua <—not her real name but I wish it was.]

Alex: That sounds truly fascinating. I was stuck in traffic for 3 hrs yet you can’t admit whether you enjoyed meeting me or thanking me for the coffee. I will direct my efforts where they will go noticed. Take care.

Me: Whoa. I put my phone down for a few moments and I get all these crazy texts from you? Bye. Good luck Alex.

Alex: It is what it is….I can tell when someone isn’t interested in me. And of course you wouldn’t pick up if I called.

Me: Bye Alex. Best of luck to you.

Alex: Fat cunt.

[Wow…I was a cutie just a few minutes before. My how things change! ]

Me: Well I’m a fat cunt with a drivers license.

[I’m really proud of myself for that comeback, by the way! Go me! ]

Alex: Is that what made you lose interest? I lost my license, you fool. Its not like I didn’t take the test. I’m better being single than throwing myself at someone who couldn’t care less.

Me: Good luck. Maybe your desperation will work with someone else.

Alex: How was I desperate? Because I made it clear I was interested? I don’t play floozy hard to get games. And you are not worth the energy. Grow up and learn to communicate.

Me: Ok I’ll work on that! Bye!!!!

[The rest of the texts are him telling me to piss off and alternating between calling me an ungrateful slut, a fat beaver and bitching about being in traffic coming to see me]

Listen…I had a hearty cackle over this one for days. I can’t even be offended. After I laughed it off and screenshot the text messages for some friends to read, I blocked his number.

I never saw or heard from him again. I wonder if Alex ever got his driver’s license? I wonder how that music career is doing? Is he still on unemployment?

Inquiring minds…they want to know.

November 11, 2008: Be Still My Heart

This gif has nothing to do with my entry but I just think its really cute. :)

I’ve been writing about my personal life for over 6 years now. It’s only in recent years that I’ve chosen to write publicly. I still censor myself but I am starting to get more comfortable writing to a public audience.

I thought it might be fun to look up some of my old journal entries and publish them publicly. It’s always important to look back and reflect on how far you’ve come in life.

The following passage was written in 2008. I had just graduated from college and moved to the DC area. I was living with my parents and had just started my big girl job with the government. Overall this was a pretty rough time for me in general as I was battling depression and almost debilitating insecurity.

I edited this for clarity and obviously changed names and identifying information to keep people anonymous.


i had lunch with corey today. i picked him up from work and i saw tyrese for the first time in a month.
my heart was beating like crazy, i was sweating and blushing like a school girl.

corey said i need to ask him out.

ugh, i cant ASK ANYONE out in my condition.
but i’m so scared of him.
he is perfection in every way. i feel like i would mess up everything that is perfect about him.

i’m sloppy and amateur.
he’s refined and professional.

he’s so sincere and so damn mature.
i’m fragile and child like.

i’d mess him up.
i’d cling to him.
i would make him so frustrated he would leave me.

i can’t really do anything right.
and he is on the path to greatness.


Well that was…dramatic! I was hella melodramatic back in 2008 apparently.

It’s funny how life changes and how time and experience can change your entire perspective. I was 22 when I wrote that. It seems like ages ago to be honest! Real talk, I haven’t thought about Tyrese in forever. All I know is that he got married a few years ago. We never officially dated or anything but I crushed on him hard. Now I can barely remember what the dude looks like!

And I’m happy to say that I learned to ask a guy out. And now I do it with no hesitation.

I wanted to share this as a reminder that we have got to look back on our past and appreciate our progress.  What was a huge deal to me back then is now a tiny blip on the radar of my life experiences.

Two Steps Forward, Four Steps Back.

Yeah….so about me writing more consistently. My bad. :(

I’ll be honest. I don’t have any method to my madness when it comes to writing. I just write. And my struggle right now is how to write about my life without completely spilling all my secrets on the world wide web. So to avoid any word vomit I just try to be selective about what I write about and how I write about it.

That being said. The last few weeks have been rough for me. I feel like my current status right now is a long time stay at “between a rock and a hard place”. I’m in a constant two steps forward, four steps back type of motion. It’s frustrating because I have alot of goals and plans and right now I’m extremely limited to certain things I can do.

For example, I’ve packed on a significant amount of weight the last few months. I’ve never been skinny but its gotten to the point where I feel so incredibly self conscious in my new fluffier body. To add insult to injury, I had a foot injury back in December that is still healing and my doctor has put me on strict orders to avoid exercising because even something as gentle as cycling or yoga could trigger further damage. And foot injuries heal very slowly.

So I’m chunky (but funky!) and I want to exercise but I can’t. See what I mean by two steps forward, four steps back?

I’m planning a beach vacation and I’d really want to avoid looking like this:

Although Ursula is a bad bitch, I still want to spare the world of seeing my rolls bouncing around. I just want to feel more confident in my skin.

Further drama in my life revolves around my work situation. I’ll be vague but I work very hard at my job and pride myself in my work. I’m ambitious and very focused on the quality of my work. I also believe in teamwork and everyone pulling their weight.

Even though I am not currently in a field I am passionate about, I still want to do a good job. I saw some things happening my workplace that seemed unfair and troubled me. I spoke out about them and have since been treated like a tattle-tell and villain. I’ve been mocked, had my motives questioned, been on the receiving end of the silent treatment as well as having people (adults, mind you) slander me behind my back. Not to mention I was recently accused of something really insulting and offensive.

I honestly can’t even tell you the number of times in the last month I’ve left work in tears. This is me after I’ve taken my make up off and wrapped my hair for the night:

I’m just incredibly sensitive and even though my skin has thickened considerably in the last few years, I’d be a liar if I said if my current work situation doesn’t leave me with hurt feelings and internalizing a whole bunch of shit that I know logically doesn’t have anything to do with me. Again, I’m being vague.

I’m sort of tied to this job because I have to pay bills and put together a college fund for the cats. I wish I could leap into a new job tomorrow but let’s be real, job searching is a full time job and it is also one of the most soul crushing experiences you can have.


BUT! There have been some positive things to happen!

I’m finally facing my fear of traveling alone and will be going OVERSEAS this November with a travel group. I’m excited as hell but also super nervous. I’ve had this goal of traveling more and not letting things hold me back. I took the plunge and put in a deposit for this trip. This is a huge milestone for me and I absolutely can’t wait to conquer this fear. I’ll talk more about this trip later.

I also planned another trip (solo) to Miami this May! Again it will be in the safety net of a travel group. But I won’t know anyone. I’ll be in Miami making silly puns and then putting on my sunglasses dramatically.

And dancing like this on the beach:

In addition to making new friends this year, I have also been trying to reconnect with some old friends. I know I harp alot about Grad School but it affected my life so dramatically. I lost contact with alot of people and now I have time to do fun things and get myself out into the world again. As silly as it sounds for someone 29 years old, I feel this new surge of energy..almost like a second adolescence!

I became a bit of a hermit the last few years and now I have this urge to get out there and have some fun! Back in my late teens and early 20’s I did things on the cheap. Cheap alcohol, cheap food, cheap hotels, cheap bars/clubs, cheap, horrific and ill-fitting clothes. But now that I’m older and have a few extra coins I can treat myself and live it up comfortably.

I’m young and I want to take this opportunity of freedom to live it up (in moderation) and enjoy myself. So that’s what I’m trying to do.

So even though life is throwing me some major curve balls right now and testing my courage and strength I’m still trying to hold on…for one more day.

Thus Begins My Selfish Phase.

Oh hey guys!

So which one of the following excuses are you willing to accept to explain my lack of blogging lately?

  1. I got caught up watching TV and lost track of time….for 3 months.
  2. I forgot the password/log-in combo to my WordPress account—4 times in a row.
  3. My sprained my foot. Update! Turns out I broke my foot and tore a really important ligament–while taking out the trash.
  4. I’ve been watching Youtube videos of girls doing their hair—and then trying to copy it and it turns out horribly.
  5. I’ve been working TWO jobs—but shhh! don’t tell the IRS about the cash from the second job.
  6. I’ve been getting my eyebrows “on fleek”—and then wondering if I’m using that word correctly.
  7. I’ve been sending Drake thirsty DM’s on Instagram in the hopes that he will make me a member of his harem.

Basically everything listed above is true. Including the DM’s to Drake. I have no shame. No, Drake himself hasn’t answered me yet but…you know what? No. I’ll save that story for another entry because its slightly juicy and I haven’t told anyone about it yet. I’ll remain suspenseful until further notice.

So listen. I greatly underestimated my need for a break after completing my Master’s degree in August. Yes, I finally finished it and can officially call myself a Master (or Massa), as well as  a Nationally Certified Counselor (NCE), and a soon to be Counseling in Resident in the State of Virginia. I can also call myself broke because STUDENT LOANS.

Graduate School took the literal life out of me. My summer was a blur. I was either taking a class, studying for my Comps, seeing clients at my internship, or you know working at the plantation my day job for the government. I also slept sometimes because you know I managed to develop a case of insomnia during all this. And I ate. Terribly.

When it was all said and done, I chose to retreat and restore myself.

I’m a high tempo person. I use that phrase to describe myself in the sense that I have a very high threshold for juggling activities and things. I can multi-task like a boss, yo. I used every ounce of my energy and personal strength to make it to graduation (Side note: I actually didn’t attend graduation. BUT GURL DATS ANOTHA STORY!)  and then after that I collapsed. I had all these grand plans of things I was going to start doing but my inner Oprah told me to sit my ass down and just chill. So I did.

I have a hard time with sitting idle. I have to be constantly doing something. I think its just my nature. I’m fast paced. I’m high tempo. I crave the energy and need it to thrive But I spent the last few months just retreating inward and reflecting while resting and building up my reserves so I can take on the next challenges for my life.

During this reflective period, I realized that I work alot. It became a sad reality to me that I actually work more than I play. And that’s incredibly sad considering I’m not even 30 yet. I began to notice a pattern of me giving tons of energy and effort in areas of my life and to people in my life that were undeserving. Its eye opening and slightly upsetting to realize that even though you place people and things at a high priority that it doesn’t necessarily mean you will receive that energy coming back to you.

So. I’m refocusing. I’m reevaluating. I’ve decided for the first time ever I’m putting myself and my needs first. The short version of this is that I plan on making 2015 the most selfish year of my life. This is super uncharacteristic for me and will be challenging. Trust me.

Get ready.

2015 is going to be all about me. All me. ME. ME. ME. Mememememmemememme.

Obviously I won’t be neglecting my friends and family both human and feline. But I’m going to really work on making myself happy and realigning goals for myself.

Speaking of goals. I went to a really fun Vision Board party hosted by the always fab Michelle. She has a great blog that you need to check out because she’s cute and cooks yummy things. She hosted a bunch of lovely ladies and I while we ate brunch, sipped on mimosas ( I didn’t sip, I guzzled mine) and set our intentions for this year.


That was mine. I chose images that spoke to me visually (fancy way of saying I picked out pretty pictures) about how I intend the year 2015 to be. Just a fun, fashionable, mature woman coming into her own. I’ll be 29 on Friday. I’ll admit I’m having a bit of anxiety about it. I’m grown up in human years but I still feel young. But I also feel old. I feel accomplished, but I also feel behind. It’s a strange conundrum.

I actually lowkey feel that I’m entering into a second adolescence. Like the big girls version of transitioning into being an adult. My I’m sunsetting on my twenties and things are becoming clear to me. The fog is being lifted, the path is becoming visible. Shit is getting real,in layman’s terms.

I am going to make an effort to continue writing on my blog. Infrequently– because let’s be real, I’ll never get to the point of being consistent with this. Sorry not sorry. But I know at least the four people that read this blog while they should be working may appreciate it.

So Happy New Year. Happy Dawning of Aquarius (which begins today) and blessings and good wishes for the year 2015.