30 Before 30 Updates



Happy Sunday!

Remember when I said I was going to make a list of 30 things I wanted to do before I turn 30? Well, I’m 1 month into being 29 and I realized that my list was a bit…ambitious. So I revised the list a bit to make it more realistic. It’s crazy when you start making a list of things and then realize that time can go by really quickly. But so far I’m good for 4 out of 30 things. Not too shabby.

Check out my updates below!

30 BEFORE 30

Have you made a bucket list before you reach a milestone birthday? Let me know!

Be sure to follow me on social media. I’m kind of fun sometimes!




I’ve really appreciated all the love and emails I’ve been getting lately. Please keep giving me feedback, it makes me really want to dust off my writing skills and try to be consistent. Email me at thecutelife86@gmail.com to say hi, give me blog suggestions, or to give any feedback!




Fat Beavers With Driver’s Licenses.

I guess you guys like reading about my dating woes. It’s cool. Laugh at my misfortune!  I’m hoping that all these experiences make people grateful if they have had an easy dating experience or feel some solidarity if they have had some cringe-worthy moments. I also hope you have a laugh or two.


May 2011.

I met a guy named Alex. On the internetz. Yes, totally scary. But its the modern age, right? Online dating is the new frontier. Everyone is doing it!  I felt an immediate attraction to him because he was handsome in his photographs and sent very respectful messages. Anyone who doesn’t ask to see my tits right away is considered respectful these days.

So Alex (totally his real name. I don’t care enough to give him any anonymity) is a 30 year old, white guy from outside Baltimore. He said he spent alot of time in DC and was even thinking of moving here. According to his profile, he enjoys cooking and plays soccer in his free time. During one of our “getting to know you” emails he said he loves running and would even help me pick out running shoes so we could run together. Cute!

I’d never really run for exercise  before (just when I was running for my life and such) so it was nice of him to want to run with me and my stubby little legs.

After about two weeks of emailing and texting back and forth we decided to meet up. I was excited and nervous. I’d never really met anyone from online  before. I had no clue what to expect.

I’ll admit that around this time I was starting to feel immense pressure from my friends who were pairing off into serious relationships and even my parents. According to my meticulously kept journal I wrote this on May 27, 2011:

My mom who never discusses my dating life called to tell me that eHarmony was free this weekend. AWKWARD.

 Maybe I should have signed up for eHarmony? I’d totally do it but I’m broke and still imagine meeting the love of my life at Popeyes or Comic-Con. I’m just a romantic like that.

We finally set up a date for a Sunday afternoon to grab a coffee at Starbucks. Coffee is neutral. It’s safe. It’s casual.  It was a public place and in broad daylight.  There would be limited opportunities for kidnapping.

Real talk, I had been drinking the night before and was pretty hungover. I did manage to put a tiny bit of effort into my looks by putting on a yellow sundress and covering my drunk face with some makeup.

I arrived at Starbucks early and ordered a hot chocolate so I would have something to hold in my hands while I waited nervously. And because I’m super self conscious I figured everyone was staring at me just waiting to see who I was waiting for!

A guy who looked like Alex walked through the door. Except…he didn’t look like Alex. Within 5 seconds of seeing him I realized the photos on his profile were old as hell.

I don’t think I’m superficial but…damn. He looked a bit scruffy  like he had been outside changing the oil in his car on the front yard on a hot summer day. I mean, we were at Starbucks and not a classy place like Red Lobster (or Red Lobby Lob as I like to call it)  but would it have killed him to throw on a shirt that wasn’t covered in whatever greasy substance it was covered in?

He greeted me with a handshake and then he bought me another coffee. He launches into a story about how he went to a bachelor party the night before. I like stories so I asked him how it was, he said he didn’t end up going out to the bars because he lost his driver’s license.  I felt like we were kindred spirits at that moment since I lose my debit card, license, car keys etc a few times a year. I ask where he thought he lost it. He says:

Oh, I haven’t had a driver’s license since November 2010.

Our date happened in May 2011.

Do the math. 30 year old man. No driver’s license. Comes to first date looking like he crawled out of a dumpster. Jesus, what have I gotten myself into?!

Then he told me that last night he didn’t stay in the hotel with his friends from the bachelor party because he didn’t want to pay so he slept in his car.


I tried turning the subject to something less…revealing and he started telling me how he didn’t want to work for a living he wanted to make music. And  he planned to go back to school later and get a bogus degree just to have one. THEN, he mentioned that being unemployed was awesome for him because he got a check every 2 weeks.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to run away. I wanted to pray. I had no idea how to react. To recap, I am on my first online date with a 30 year old man who looks nothing like his pictures, he slept in his car the night before, he shouldn’t even be driving said car because he doesn’t have a driver’s license, he wants to “make music” and he delights in the fact that he is on unemployment.


The date was over when the meter  ran out on Alex’s parking spot (I guess he could only afford to park for an hour) and he got up and ran back to Bmore.  He asked what I was doing next weekend and I mentioned a wine festival and he said maybe he could join me. Then he backtracked and said that was rather presumptuous of him.  AND HE WAS TOTALLY RIGHT.  I said “We’ll see”. Which is my way of saying., “FUCK NO”.

Let’s fast forward a little bit. I’m back home and finally napping my way through a very intense hangover with my cat. I’ll present the following text message exchange without further comment:

Alex: Hey thanks for meeting up with me yesterday. You are a cutie. :)

[A total of 20 minutes elapses before I respond because I had just woken up and was on the phone with my mom]

Alex: Cool well I can take a hint no hard feelings. Good luck.

Me: Take a hint? What are you talking about?

Alex: Nevermind. I thought you had chose not to answer,

Me: I just woke up.

Alex: Late night?

Me: Yeah, lots of wine with my friends.

Alex: Any extravagant plans for today?

[No response from me. I was on the phone with LaShamiqua <—not her real name but I wish it was.]

Alex: That sounds truly fascinating. I was stuck in traffic for 3 hrs yet you can’t admit whether you enjoyed meeting me or thanking me for the coffee. I will direct my efforts where they will go noticed. Take care.

Me: Whoa. I put my phone down for a few moments and I get all these crazy texts from you? Bye. Good luck Alex.

Alex: It is what it is….I can tell when someone isn’t interested in me. And of course you wouldn’t pick up if I called.

Me: Bye Alex. Best of luck to you.

Alex: Fat cunt.

[Wow…I was a cutie just a few minutes before. My how things change! ]

Me: Well I’m a fat cunt with a drivers license.

[I’m really proud of myself for that comeback, by the way! Go me! ]

Alex: Is that what made you lose interest? I lost my license, you fool. Its not like I didn’t take the test. I’m better being single than throwing myself at someone who couldn’t care less.

Me: Good luck. Maybe your desperation will work with someone else.

Alex: How was I desperate? Because I made it clear I was interested? I don’t play floozy hard to get games. And you are not worth the energy. Grow up and learn to communicate.

Me: Ok I’ll work on that! Bye!!!!

[The rest of the texts are him telling me to piss off and alternating between calling me an ungrateful slut, a fat beaver and bitching about being in traffic coming to see me]

Listen…I had a hearty cackle over this one for days. I can’t even be offended. After I laughed it off and screenshot the text messages for some friends to read, I blocked his number.

I never saw or heard from him again. I wonder if Alex ever got his driver’s license? I wonder how that music career is doing? Is he still on unemployment?

Inquiring minds…they want to know.

November 11, 2008: Be Still My Heart

This gif has nothing to do with my entry but I just think its really cute. :)

I’ve been writing about my personal life for over 6 years now. It’s only in recent years that I’ve chosen to write publicly. I still censor myself but I am starting to get more comfortable writing to a public audience.

I thought it might be fun to look up some of my old journal entries and publish them publicly. It’s always important to look back and reflect on how far you’ve come in life.

The following passage was written in 2008. I had just graduated from college and moved to the DC area. I was living with my parents and had just started my big girl job with the government. Overall this was a pretty rough time for me in general as I was battling depression and almost debilitating insecurity.

I edited this for clarity and obviously changed names and identifying information to keep people anonymous.


i had lunch with corey today. i picked him up from work and i saw tyrese for the first time in a month.
my heart was beating like crazy, i was sweating and blushing like a school girl.

corey said i need to ask him out.

ugh, i cant ASK ANYONE out in my condition.
but i’m so scared of him.
he is perfection in every way. i feel like i would mess up everything that is perfect about him.

i’m sloppy and amateur.
he’s refined and professional.

he’s so sincere and so damn mature.
i’m fragile and child like.

i’d mess him up.
i’d cling to him.
i would make him so frustrated he would leave me.

i can’t really do anything right.
and he is on the path to greatness.


Well that was…dramatic! I was hella melodramatic back in 2008 apparently.

It’s funny how life changes and how time and experience can change your entire perspective. I was 22 when I wrote that. It seems like ages ago to be honest! Real talk, I haven’t thought about Tyrese in forever. All I know is that he got married a few years ago. We never officially dated or anything but I crushed on him hard. Now I can barely remember what the dude looks like!

And I’m happy to say that I learned to ask a guy out. And now I do it with no hesitation.

I wanted to share this as a reminder that we have got to look back on our past and appreciate our progress.  What was a huge deal to me back then is now a tiny blip on the radar of my life experiences.

Two Steps Forward, Four Steps Back.

Yeah….so about me writing more consistently. My bad. :(

I’ll be honest. I don’t have any method to my madness when it comes to writing. I just write. And my struggle right now is how to write about my life without completely spilling all my secrets on the world wide web. So to avoid any word vomit I just try to be selective about what I write about and how I write about it.

That being said. The last few weeks have been rough for me. I feel like my current status right now is a long time stay at “between a rock and a hard place”. I’m in a constant two steps forward, four steps back type of motion. It’s frustrating because I have alot of goals and plans and right now I’m extremely limited to certain things I can do.

For example, I’ve packed on a significant amount of weight the last few months. I’ve never been skinny but its gotten to the point where I feel so incredibly self conscious in my new fluffier body. To add insult to injury, I had a foot injury back in December that is still healing and my doctor has put me on strict orders to avoid exercising because even something as gentle as cycling or yoga could trigger further damage. And foot injuries heal very slowly.

So I’m chunky (but funky!) and I want to exercise but I can’t. See what I mean by two steps forward, four steps back?

I’m planning a beach vacation and I’d really want to avoid looking like this:

Although Ursula is a bad bitch, I still want to spare the world of seeing my rolls bouncing around. I just want to feel more confident in my skin.

Further drama in my life revolves around my work situation. I’ll be vague but I work very hard at my job and pride myself in my work. I’m ambitious and very focused on the quality of my work. I also believe in teamwork and everyone pulling their weight.

Even though I am not currently in a field I am passionate about, I still want to do a good job. I saw some things happening my workplace that seemed unfair and troubled me. I spoke out about them and have since been treated like a tattle-tell and villain. I’ve been mocked, had my motives questioned, been on the receiving end of the silent treatment as well as having people (adults, mind you) slander me behind my back. Not to mention I was recently accused of something really insulting and offensive.

I honestly can’t even tell you the number of times in the last month I’ve left work in tears. This is me after I’ve taken my make up off and wrapped my hair for the night:

I’m just incredibly sensitive and even though my skin has thickened considerably in the last few years, I’d be a liar if I said if my current work situation doesn’t leave me with hurt feelings and internalizing a whole bunch of shit that I know logically doesn’t have anything to do with me. Again, I’m being vague.

I’m sort of tied to this job because I have to pay bills and put together a college fund for the cats. I wish I could leap into a new job tomorrow but let’s be real, job searching is a full time job and it is also one of the most soul crushing experiences you can have.


BUT! There have been some positive things to happen!

I’m finally facing my fear of traveling alone and will be going OVERSEAS this November with a travel group. I’m excited as hell but also super nervous. I’ve had this goal of traveling more and not letting things hold me back. I took the plunge and put in a deposit for this trip. This is a huge milestone for me and I absolutely can’t wait to conquer this fear. I’ll talk more about this trip later.

I also planned another trip (solo) to Miami this May! Again it will be in the safety net of a travel group. But I won’t know anyone. I’ll be in Miami making silly puns and then putting on my sunglasses dramatically.

And dancing like this on the beach:

In addition to making new friends this year, I have also been trying to reconnect with some old friends. I know I harp alot about Grad School but it affected my life so dramatically. I lost contact with alot of people and now I have time to do fun things and get myself out into the world again. As silly as it sounds for someone 29 years old, I feel this new surge of energy..almost like a second adolescence!

I became a bit of a hermit the last few years and now I have this urge to get out there and have some fun! Back in my late teens and early 20’s I did things on the cheap. Cheap alcohol, cheap food, cheap hotels, cheap bars/clubs, cheap, horrific and ill-fitting clothes. But now that I’m older and have a few extra coins I can treat myself and live it up comfortably.

I’m young and I want to take this opportunity of freedom to live it up (in moderation) and enjoy myself. So that’s what I’m trying to do.

So even though life is throwing me some major curve balls right now and testing my courage and strength I’m still trying to hold on…for one more day.

Thus Begins My Selfish Phase.

Oh hey guys!

So which one of the following excuses are you willing to accept to explain my lack of blogging lately?

  1. I got caught up watching TV and lost track of time….for 3 months.
  2. I forgot the password/log-in combo to my WordPress account—4 times in a row.
  3. My sprained my foot. Update! Turns out I broke my foot and tore a really important ligament–while taking out the trash.
  4. I’ve been watching Youtube videos of girls doing their hair—and then trying to copy it and it turns out horribly.
  5. I’ve been working TWO jobs—but shhh! don’t tell the IRS about the cash from the second job.
  6. I’ve been getting my eyebrows “on fleek”—and then wondering if I’m using that word correctly.
  7. I’ve been sending Drake thirsty DM’s on Instagram in the hopes that he will make me a member of his harem.

Basically everything listed above is true. Including the DM’s to Drake. I have no shame. No, Drake himself hasn’t answered me yet but…you know what? No. I’ll save that story for another entry because its slightly juicy and I haven’t told anyone about it yet. I’ll remain suspenseful until further notice.

So listen. I greatly underestimated my need for a break after completing my Master’s degree in August. Yes, I finally finished it and can officially call myself a Master (or Massa), as well as  a Nationally Certified Counselor (NCE), and a soon to be Counseling in Resident in the State of Virginia. I can also call myself broke because STUDENT LOANS.

Graduate School took the literal life out of me. My summer was a blur. I was either taking a class, studying for my Comps, seeing clients at my internship, or you know working at the plantation my day job for the government. I also slept sometimes because you know I managed to develop a case of insomnia during all this. And I ate. Terribly.

When it was all said and done, I chose to retreat and restore myself.

I’m a high tempo person. I use that phrase to describe myself in the sense that I have a very high threshold for juggling activities and things. I can multi-task like a boss, yo. I used every ounce of my energy and personal strength to make it to graduation (Side note: I actually didn’t attend graduation. BUT GURL DATS ANOTHA STORY!)  and then after that I collapsed. I had all these grand plans of things I was going to start doing but my inner Oprah told me to sit my ass down and just chill. So I did.

I have a hard time with sitting idle. I have to be constantly doing something. I think its just my nature. I’m fast paced. I’m high tempo. I crave the energy and need it to thrive But I spent the last few months just retreating inward and reflecting while resting and building up my reserves so I can take on the next challenges for my life.

During this reflective period, I realized that I work alot. It became a sad reality to me that I actually work more than I play. And that’s incredibly sad considering I’m not even 30 yet. I began to notice a pattern of me giving tons of energy and effort in areas of my life and to people in my life that were undeserving. Its eye opening and slightly upsetting to realize that even though you place people and things at a high priority that it doesn’t necessarily mean you will receive that energy coming back to you.

So. I’m refocusing. I’m reevaluating. I’ve decided for the first time ever I’m putting myself and my needs first. The short version of this is that I plan on making 2015 the most selfish year of my life. This is super uncharacteristic for me and will be challenging. Trust me.

Get ready.

2015 is going to be all about me. All me. ME. ME. ME. Mememememmemememme.

Obviously I won’t be neglecting my friends and family both human and feline. But I’m going to really work on making myself happy and realigning goals for myself.

Speaking of goals. I went to a really fun Vision Board party hosted by the always fab Michelle. She has a great blog that you need to check out because she’s cute and cooks yummy things. She hosted a bunch of lovely ladies and I while we ate brunch, sipped on mimosas ( I didn’t sip, I guzzled mine) and set our intentions for this year.


That was mine. I chose images that spoke to me visually (fancy way of saying I picked out pretty pictures) about how I intend the year 2015 to be. Just a fun, fashionable, mature woman coming into her own. I’ll be 29 on Friday. I’ll admit I’m having a bit of anxiety about it. I’m grown up in human years but I still feel young. But I also feel old. I feel accomplished, but I also feel behind. It’s a strange conundrum.

I actually lowkey feel that I’m entering into a second adolescence. Like the big girls version of transitioning into being an adult. My I’m sunsetting on my twenties and things are becoming clear to me. The fog is being lifted, the path is becoming visible. Shit is getting real,in layman’s terms.

I am going to make an effort to continue writing on my blog. Infrequently– because let’s be real, I’ll never get to the point of being consistent with this. Sorry not sorry. But I know at least the four people that read this blog while they should be working may appreciate it.

So Happy New Year. Happy Dawning of Aquarius (which begins today) and blessings and good wishes for the year 2015.



Part 2: Single In Real Life: THE DATE

I decided to dig deep into the archives of my personal journal for this entry.

I’d like to recount the last date I had which was earlier this summer. Yeah, the last time I went on a date was in June. Go ahead, make fun of me. But I honestly don’t date that often and when I do it takes alot of courage because believe it or not I’m shy around men and I’ve become increasingly frustrated with how dating is even supposed to work. I try to be myself but its obviously not working!!!!

We will call this guy Corey, and no that’s not his real name. I actually have no problem using his real name but I’m trying to be classy here. We met online and this date also marks the last time I ever decided to do online dating. It’s important to note that he had asked me out in some last minute date effort several times before I told him I don’t do last minute and that he must properly plan a date before I would accept.


June 1, 2013

Tonight was a gentle reminder that I will most likely be alone forever living in a house with cats if I continue to have the dating experiences I’ve had the last few years. Maybe its because I’m old and crotchety. Maybe its because I’m picky. But…my red flag meter went up with this dude. I’m literally feeling like there is no hope at all for me in the dating world and I need to start freezing my eggs yesterday because only crazy dudes are into me and I should just give up.

I tried to look cute and pull myself together. I did my hair, put on make up etc. I took pictures and sent them to my friends who approved, so I was ready to go.  I’m glad we were only going to TGIFriday’s because it was right around the corner from me and it felt noncommital. And I could leave my house in 2 minutes and be there immediately.

I get there and Corey is already waiting for me. He told me he believes in being punctual which is nice. I totally appreciate it because I hate waiting for people because its awkward. So he walked in and he was kinda cute. He has tattoos all over his arms and chest which is hot. So I was staring like:crush
We sit down and we both talk about how hungry we are. And I was digging it because I like food and I enjoy talking about food. We order drinks and get food. I helped him order a beer because he couldn’t figure out what he wanted. The waiter was super cute by the way (totally unimportant to this story, just a fun fact). Corey starts talking immediately about how he went hiking this morning which was a cool story for about 5 minutes. But it went on for like 20. Sorry, but I hate listening to people talk about working out. Its not interesting to me. I don’t care. Especially when I don’t care about my own workout routine, why would I want to listen to yours? In detail? He then proceeded to tell me he did 400 crunches before our date. And I was “Cool story, bro!” But not really because who cares?  Maybe its because I’m fat and I just give zero fucks about it but I have no interest in hearing that shit. Especially on a first date. And I was eating mozzarella sticks like my life depended on it.

Corey starts launching into what I thought was going to be a funny (short) story about a girl he was dating before me (awkward) but then it turned into 30 minutes of him asking me my opinion on this bitch he dated and if he handled it correctly.


So I was like..
are you seriousI mean, this story was complete with him telling me this girl was stalking him and how she showed up at his house and was in love with him after 1 month of dating. I’m sorry but that is just a really inappropriate start to a first date. How can a 33 year old man NOT know that? So I was turned off. Since I have a hard time turning off my facial expressions he could tell I was like annoyed so he straight up told me that he likes talking about his exes so girls can know what he’s been through.

Sorry, bro. We all have war stories. Don’t need to hear about it on the first date.

Then he throws in the kicker that he has not been married just once but TWICE. And not only has 2 kids (that are biologically his) but is also basically co-parenting his second ex wife’s TWO KIDS FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE. AND THEY ARE TEENAGERS.

So I was like…

Because…no. I was leery about the 2 kids and divorce I knew about. But then for him to mention 2 other kids and another ex wife. That just seems like a lot for me at the age of 27. I mean, can we say complicated! OH! And he and his ex live in the same apartment complex. So…yeah.

So for the rest of the date I was eating and had this expression on my face as he continued to tell me more about his dramatic ass life:

are you serious 1
Corey didn’t ask me any questions about myself which annoyed me because I’m not sure what he walked away knowing me. I learned his whole damn life story but he didn’t ask me a thing about me. I could have just walked out of prison and he would have never known it because he didn’t ask me anything. Anytime I tried to direct the conversation to more neutral topics he would bring it back to himself. Which is annoying. I think part of it was nervous chatter because he was clearly nervous but I’m wondering if part of it was douchebaggery. Who knows?

I drank 2 long island ice teas which is a light night of drinking for me and he made a comment about my booze costing more than my meal which was annoying because BITCH DON’T KILL MY VIBE. Any person that makes a comment about my drinking immediately gets the side eye because I am a social drinker and I think its rude to comment on people drinking. Is it just me? Because I think its rude. Just like when you comment on someone’s eating a lot.

The check comes and I politely do what I do all the time and put my card up to pay, which is when the guy should then say some shit like “Oh I got this” or something. Especially after this guy just finished telling me how much money he made and how awesome his job is. But no. He took one look at the check and said, “Oh they charged me 4 dollars  more for my steak. I’m sending the check back and then we can split it.”

At that point I was pretty much done.

I’m sorry but we are grown. This dude is  33  years old. You take a woman out on a date to TGIFriday’s and you need to pay for her $25.00 meal. I found that incredibly insulting actually. I guess that’s why he was making comments about my ordering drinks because he didn’t want to have to pay for them. Which makes him the second guy I’ve gone out with in the last year who seemed to have a qualm about the amount of drinks I was having.

When the check got fixed he asked me how much I was tipping which I found to be TACKY. He also made a comment tonight about how my boobs were hanging out of my shirt. I actually had tasteful boobage tonight.   It’s not like my nipples were sticking out. So my breasts and I were annoyed about that, we were offended.

He walked me to my car and said he wanted to go out again and gave me a hug.

Not gonna lie, I’m disappointed.  So my overall impression of this date was…

paris_says_no_gifI felt like my entire night would have been better spent with a bottle of wine, Game of Thrones and a eating a pizza by myself or something.

Nobody tells you how ridiculous dating is when you do it for real. It’s not like the movies!!!!

Part 1: Single Life In Real Life. [The Online Dating Edition]

I was talking with a co-worker who hasn’t been single in about 10 years. She had some preconceived notion that single life was one huge party full of sexy people hooking up at bars and adventures like you see in the movies and on TV.

And to that I say,

Listen. It’s hard out in these streets. Being single in your late 20’s is totally different than being single as a teenager or college student. And if those are your frame of references for single life then I’m here to shatter your notions of what it means to be uncoupled in the year of our Lord 2014.

Like, if you haven’t had to go on a series of shitastic dates and been sent a dick pic and then been asked to send a picture of your boobs then I need you to step gingerly into my world so I can tell you what its like.

Yes, being single has its benefits. I’m typing this entry in my underwear surrounded by a pile of unfolded clothing. Why? Because I can. And I would hope that when I find my future boo he will be folding that laundry in his underwear because we are a couple and we are in sync. And I’m sure being married has its awful moments and it sucks sometimes. But I really have no clue what married life is like. I just know what I know based on Facebook and watching TV. So clearly I’m not an expert.

But I am an expert in this single life, y’all!

I figured I’d do a few entries on what dating is like in the new age of online dating and what not. Because you people need to know the truth!

So this is me trying to do this online dating thing.

The first step is accepting that your dating life has come to this. Yes, online dating is the new thing and everyone is doing it. But I’m not gonna lie I had a sad puppy moment because it made me kind of depressed that I lacked the access to meeting men in real life. I work, I exercise, I go to brunch, I Netflix, I take pictures of my cats. Obviously I have a busy and fulfilling life right there. Hardly anytime for meeting gorgeous, single men, right?

Also, my social group consists of gay men and married or engaged women. I come in contact with eligible (emphasis on the word eligible) single men….well NEVER. Every man I meet is either gay or married to someone else. So that means online dating it is!


So that’s me getting ready to write my profile. I chose to go with Okcupid because its free. *shrugs*

Writing the damn profile is 80% of the battle.  They usually ask a lot of questions about things you like or what you are looking for in a relationship. I always get super anxious with this part because you have to sound witty but not pretentious and funny but not corny. You have to show off the amazing parts about yourself in like 1000 characters or something.

But don’t say too much! Then you look like you are bragging. But don’t say too little then you are boring and uninteresting. So yeah, this part takes awhile if you are serious. If you aren’t serious then it takes no time at all. And apparently alot of people online are not serious because there are so many garbage profiles out there.

Oh! And then there’s the part where you pick your profile picture. Actually they want you to have like 3-5 pictures. So obviously this part takes awhile.

I change my hair alot so then I get paranoid about the fact that all my best selfies feature me with 10 different hairstyles. Does that look weird? Do I look conceited and self-centered? Wait…am I conceited or self-centered?

The answer to that is probably yes.

Ok so then comes the waiting for messages part. I’m actually a “Grab the bull by the balls!” kinda gal so I like to send messages to guys myself first. Why? Because I’m a modern girl who waits for no one!  Also, I’m impatient. And I’m a creep and stupidly optimistic in hoping that me messaging the cute guy in med school will result in us getting married in 1.5 years.

This hasn’t happened yet.

In the meantime, you receive messages from…people. Or at least I think they are people. Please see some actual messages that I have received in the last week.

I said to myself this online thing is so delicate…within two lines of the conversation you can surmise whether someone is extremely cool and fun or makes you want to delete your account and run for to ocean.

We have four lines to decide if the ocean is worth running for…I’ll start…Hi :-)

Okay. Alright. I’m going to give this young man (I can really call him a young man as he’s 4 years younger than me) the benefit of the doubt. So I hop over to his profile to read about him. I know all I need to know by reading the first few sentences:

After a brief stint of running OTC drugs I decided to switch gears and pursue my true passion of timeshare espionage. It is a fascinating underground network of horrors even the most experienced of human beings can never imagine!

Listen. I know people think they are being witty and cute with stuff like this but it’s not witty or cute.  It’s confusing. I don’t know anything about you AT ALL. You had ONE job. And you failed.


OK. How about this one?

Hey gorgeous,

I know we have a bit of an age difference, but I’ve always been the adventurous kind of man. I know the thought of dating a younger guy might sound crazy, but I have no doubt that you’ll be happy you tried. Hopefully we can chat a bit sometime soon.

He actually deleted his profile soon after he sent this message. Actually I didn’t really check my messages for like a month so I guess I missed out? Anyway, just proof that I’m still pulling that younger ass because he was 23.


hey mrs when you get a chance i wouldnt mind a lite conversation.. that is if you have room in your phonebook for my number

Cute but no.

Last one. And I’m bolding the part that concerned me a bit.

great profile I read it. You seem more interesting in person. Your profile stood out of the crowds.

I must admit no jokes to me you’re one of the most beautiful I have come across so far. I was browsing and you really by eye with your beauty oh plus your prettier smile. Caught my attention.

Well may the LORD help you open your private practice office.

All to say im interested in you despite the age difference I like older beause they’re drama free mature and know what they’re looking for.
For I know you’re that type of woman thats why I show interest in you.

Hope to hear back from you
plz dnt let me down even if you’re not interested a simple reply would be fine.

Thanks for your time I appreciated

maybe I can shoe you around without GPS

First of all another young guy. What’s up with that?! I was immediately alarmed when he said I seem better in person because… I don’t know you. Wait, do I? Like I get what he was trying to say but WORDS MEAN THINGS, y’all.

I got a little creeped when he said not to let him down. I know its a struggle out there brotha but stay strong. And because I’m an asshole and check my messages like once every hangover I totally missed this message and did not message him back. Is he ok? Should I be concerned?  What exactly is he trying to do without GPS? I’m confused.

So yeah. Welcome to my world. It’s not pretty but we have plenty of booze.

Tomorrow I will detail what an actual date is like after you’ve jumped through the gauntlet of online profile writing and reading.